Hot Mess in SF

On something. He looks like he's walking a tightrope holding a plate of food precariously perched on one hand. Shoveling food into his mouth. This might be the last square meal he has for a while. He probably won't remember it. And I can't help staring. His friend is following carefully after him and I watch with a smile frozen on my face. There isn't any other look I have for what I am feeling and it isn't until his friend comes over to me, leans across the dessert table and hugs me with a tight grip, an open heart and a foul smell that I feel like crying. He calls me smiles and says, with regret, they won't be coming back for seconds and looks at his friend. And I am still frozen in a smile and I hate myself because I want to go shower. It hurts to think about even now.

Serving the homeless food on Christmas eve leaves me feeling hopeless and spoiled. Glimpses of relief come with gratefulness in the form of a homemade ornament gifted by a little Asian woman who walks quickly and with command hands me the origami goose she made. It's only when there is no room for pity, or in this case the trading of goods, a goose for a brownie, that I don't feel hopeless. Every year I decide to do more, in the hopes that eventually I can breath more freely knowing I am making a difference. Every year I completely forget by Christmas day. This year, 2011 I am making a pledge to actually do some more volunteering. Remind me in a week okay.

So sorry to overwhelm you. But I'll leave you with this. Today I went to get coffee and as I was walking back to my apartment I saw a homeless man. I usually make eye contact and say hello although we know this can backfire sometimes. He was perched against his shopping cart, cigarette in one hand newspaper in the other I smiled and said good morning and you know what sometimes it pays off because he looked up from reading his newspaper, smiled and in what I imagine was a cockney accent said "Ello darling" and went back to reading the paper. So there is it, this world is crazy, sad, and sometimes hopeless but then pleasant surprises come at the most unexpected time and stay with you the whole day.

Happy New Year! See you in 2011 for what's sure to be another great year.