Dear Coworkers,
Thank you for planning that audacious happy hour bar hop. It was a long week and I really needed it. What I didn't need was the two slices of pizza that were inspired by the 5 pub challenge and the stiff drinks that Joe Bartender was pouring me at the Royal Oak - my new favorite bar mainly because of all the indoor foliage they have - What you, dear coworkers didn't see was the after party. I put myself in a cab around midnight and after letting my cab driver get halfway home (I was only 5 blocks away to start with) I requested that he turn around and take me to Escape from New York pizza. I ordered two slices one veggie and one Hawaiian and as I always do I requested -fat kid style - the extra pineapple on the pan be scooped into my box onto - shameful but delicious.
As a rule I like to picnic in my bed with an episode of Arrested Development playing when late night snacking. Which requires me to have enough self restraint to not eat in the cab. This is hard. I indulged myself a few pieces of pineapple but managed to make it back to the house of hot mess with two pieces fully intact. I realize however while exiting the elevator on at my stop on the second floor that I am absolutely ravenous and cannot wait to get into my apartment to eat the pizza. What any girl knows is that my keys will take a two handed search party five minutes to find at the bottom of my black-hole of a purse. Five minutes is too long.
So I picnic on the stairs in my buildings corridor - instead of my bed - where midway through my second slice - Hawaiian of course - I am abruptly interrupted by my neighbor with the USC flag hanging on their door. They always have midweek parties and never invite us. Just last week in fact I came home to a keg sitting right outside the elevator and two USC alums giggling in their doorway looking at the keg - Hello get that tripping hazard out of my way or I will move it for you, straight into my apartment -
Sorry anyway he asks me if I am locked out. And here the awkwardness ensues, clearly as I am not locked out but too ashamed to admit it. So I simply nodded my head no. I can only imagine the hot mess he saw sitting on the corridor stairs eating her dinner - me. Silence ensues for several long moments in which I want to take another bite of my pizza but felt it might be inappropriate. Neighbor boy finally says "no really you look like you're locked out.............. And then I realize the only way I going to Shake this guy, maintain a smidgen of dignity (to be sure most of it was already gone) and get back to my pizza was to lie and let him help me by breaking into my apartment through his via the fire escape -
I pick up my pizza box and overnight bag of a purse and walk through his apartment. He opens the window to my apartment for me. I thanked him for his help - that is making me climb through two windows and across a questionably safe fire escape to break me into my own room while the keys were safely in my purse - As soon as my back was to him I had the other half of the pizza in my mouth. Can you just imagine if I was sneaking in from breaking curfew. Had my parents seen me taking an enormous bite of pizza while literally climbing through my bedroom window...the looks of embarrassment that I would have seen would have shamed me well into my forties.
Instead the next morning my roommates found the morsels of pizza cleverly trailed through the corridor and elevator in the manner of Hansel and Gretal.
On another note apparently any stranger can get into my apartment through the fire escape. We discussed this when I recounted the events to my roommates. LM thinks they might occasionally come over to the house of hot mess to watch TV and eat our food. And it just dawned on me apparently that keg I wanted is just a fire escape and unlocked window away. I wonder if we could get it through with some rope, a strong man and a really good diversion. But how awkward would it be to be caught stealing a keg through a fire escape?
